Mi-Mi-Mi-Miami World Order! 4 Life. (The Decision Wrap Up)
Call me Lenny "The Brain" Heenan, because I told y'all this day was coming. Oh, wait, let me go back.
For the first time in the history of my writing on this site, I'm going to write a column and intersplice two things that really are like oil and water. Namely wrestling and basketball. Yes, I'm going to pull it off and here's how. Wrestling fans, remember July 1996? Bash At The Beach? Yeah, y'all know where I'm going with this.
Time: Thursday Night, July 8th, 9 PM EST.
Location: Somewhere in Greenwich, Connecticut
Occasion: LeBron James announcing his decision to play ??? for the 2010-2011 season and beyond.
I'm done with the letters and honestly, I think I'm just about done with all of this. Because apparently now, what LeBron said post Game 6 of the Eastern Conference Semifinals is set to come to fruition. Oh and I've got news for ya Cleveland, I don't think this story ends well for you at all. I've quietly held the notion that in horror flicks, if you show tits and you're a female, you're pretty much a done deal. For the last three weeks or so, New York, New Jersey, Chicago, Miami, Cleveland and the Clips have shown their "tits" to LeBron and his corporate crew. Tomorrow night, a little after 9 PM EST, we're going to witness five teams get gutted in unceremonious fashion. Oh, did I forget to mention the guarantee that LeBron's going to win at least three titles within the next five years or so? No?
Yeah, I realize this is the second letter I've written in a little under a week, but I needed to get this off my chest. I've been writing for SportsBastards for about three years now, primarily on basketball because it's my love. I've been a basketball junkie since before you were a twinkle in your parents' eyes. You stand probably 48 hours or so away from making a decision that probably will for all intents and purposes impact the prime of your career. Allow me to break down for you exactly what this entails as it pertains to yourself and your legacy in retrospect...
These are the years in which you will physically, be at your absolute best. You'll be stronger, faster, better...to steal a pun from The Six Million Dollar Man or something. Do you really want to do it in Cleveland? Now, I've had a chance to glean from all that you've seen and heard, as well as what I feel they really said or showed you. So let me sort through it all for ya, because time's ticking...
"Can you turn back time? Can you bring the dead back to life? ANSWER ME!!!"
"No."
"Didn't fuckin' think so."
- Freddy with Jesse moments before slicing him. - A Nightmare On Elm Street (2010)
Well LeBron, it's all over. Or it will be for you, if you stay.
It's funny that I had this written in advance, or at least a few hours before I walked out the door to see Robin Hood back in May and didn't bother saving the document. But the exchange I have up top here, is what should be in your mind along with what KG conveyed to you at the end of Game 6. You can't get your youth back when it's gone. Trust me, I'm 29 going on 30 feeling like I'm older than that. But before I go on, let me say this...
Changing Faces And Artest Praising (Part 1 of 3/NBA Wrap Up)
Alright all my Lenholics...it's that time of the year. Time for Part 1 of the NBA Wrap Up.
"But Len, why just Part 1 now?"
Well, in case ya haven't heard, Free Agency starts on Thursday morning at 12:01 AM EST. For the first time since I've really taken up writing this stuff, Free Agency will account for a LOT of how this year concludes and how next season will look as teams get into position to chase the Los Angeles Lakers. So let's start there shall we?
When the World Cup started I didn't mind the vuvuzela, but after so many games, if I ever saw someone carrying one of these things on the street, I'd probably snap it over his head. I hate you, vuvuzela. I hate you so much. Thanks to the vuvuzela, I no longer feel sorry for those South Africans who spent so many years stuck under the boot of apartheid. In fact, you probably deserve it, just for inventing that infernal angry-bees horn.
Don't look now, but we've got a Finals on our hands.
Not but 24 hours after the Blackhawks brought a title home to the Chi, Boston evens up its series with the Lakers. Why? Da BENCH. Let me say this right now...last night's game is the reason why I picked Boston over Los Angeles to start this series. When you've got the luxury to leave your reserves out on the floor in the 4th quarter of a game that if you lose, you've all but guaranteed you're finished (no team has come back from a 3-1 deficit in the Finals), that's saying a LOT. Yes, Rasheed and Nate managed to get boneheaded technicals (Rasheed's was more damaging as he's now one tech away from being done for the series, depending on when he gets it and what the series is), but the Lakers uncharacteristically couldn't make em' pay from the line. But there's a few other basketball stories that deserve my attention, such as but not limited to...
If the USA vs England smack-talking hasn't fired you up, then this amazing goal from Spain's friendly versus Poland ought to. Yes, they're just the Polish team and thus probably distracted by a mirrored disco ball in the stand or an exceptionally shiny pair of diamond earrings, but this passing sequence is exquisite. I haven't seen a Spaniard with moves like that since Inigo Montoya!
All of a sudden, I'm very glad the US isn't in Group H.
Boston/Los Angeles XII: Green With Title Envy (NBA Finals Breakdown/Preview)
Alright, if this were Street Fighter, it'd be Ken vs Ryu. Only if Ryu were rocking a green fit and Ken were styling old school purple and gold. Don't believe that this isn't personal for Kobe, cause it is. Don't believe it's not about payback, because the more they try to sell that, the more it IS about payback for the Lakers. Here's the facts...
A) These teams combined have accounted for more than HALF of the NBA Championships celebrated in NBA history. You realize what that means? That's the equivalent of the Steelers and 49ers meeting in the Super Bowl, accounting for a chunk/half of the Lombardi Trohpies handed out in February. (Also note, we NEED to see those two hook up just once in February.)
B) This is the 12th time these two have met up in the NBA Finals. 9 out of 11 times, Boston's gotten it done. Never mind "rivalry", this is BEEF. This is what Biggie was rapping about once upon a time. Maybe we won't get Ron getting clotheslined by Kendrick, but this is personal.
C) For all that Kobe's done this year to inch closer towards Laker Immortality, here's a surefire way to get his name mentioned.
Beat Boston. As it stands right now, only a handful of Lakers stand in that hall so to speak. Big Game James, Kareem and Magic. The Showtime Lakers succeeded where Wilt, The Logo and others failed. They wrested the title away from Boston in the 80s, besting Larry's Big Three TWICE in three tries. How poetic is it that in order for Kobe to get one for the thumb, he has to best the Lakers' traditional summertime rivals? Hatfields, say what's great to the McCoys rocking the Boston green.
This video of Ronaldo throughout the years is frightening, yet also oddly mesmerizing. I think it's the music that does it, quite honestly. The fact that you can watch Ronaldo visibly grow larger and add extra chins is also kind of impressive.
What's also kind of impressive is the career Ronaldo had despite being the fattest guy to ever play soccer (apparently, anyway). Three-time FIFA player of the year, second player ever to do that, and three goals in three different world cups, also only the second player to do that. Ronaldo is kind of like the Shaq of soccer: amazing despite his weight problem and dislike of conditioning. You kind of wonder what he might have been able to do if he had been able to stay away from the McDonald's.
No Hooks To This One For Cleveland...(Game 6 Retrospect)
(Note, I'm listening to "No Hooks" by Shaquille O'Neal w/The RZA & Method Man as I post this. I originally typed this up late Thursday, but I sat on it in the oft chance that I may have changed some things. Which of course, I did.)
Come on, tell me I'm wrong. I dare you.
Tell me how much of a "hater" I am and I'll tell you what a fool you are for doing so. I'll laugh as I point out that the Cavs in two straight years have won 60 games, gone into the playoffs as the consensus pick to win the East and win it all, only to flame out in the Conference Finals and Semifinals (TWICE IN THREE YEARS NO LESS). Tell me that Cleveland's just fine and I'll tell you you're absolutely naive...or maybe you're Mike Brown, which might be one in the same. This team did something I don't think I've seen in all my years of watching basketball.
I'm going to do two things in just one column, well, make it three.
1) I'm going to put LeBron's performance Tuesday night into perspective and explain WHY as much as he has been pounded into the ground...he seriously deserves a break. Which leads me to...
2) I'm going to explain why win or lose tonight and in general the next 7 days or so, him leaving Cleveland is PARAMOUNT to any hopes he has of being successful.
3) I'm going to explain to any and every Boston fan why regardless of what happens tonight, the Celtics will win this series.
I hate to say I told ya so...well, okay. That's a lie. I LOVE doing that.
But ya know what? I'm laughing now that the folks at ESPNis are starting to acknowledge that maybe, just MAYBE LeBron is really LeHype after all. That perhaps, LeBron only looks really menacing, when the team he's facing isn't truly putting up a fight. Last year, against Orlando, they put up a fight and LeBron was sent home. The year before that, Boston sparked by three future HOFers who were deprived of their first ring...went all Super Twins and again, sent LBJ home. In 2007, after Detroit folded up shop way too soon, they ran into the Spurs who didn't forget LBJ posterizing the True F'N Franchise Tim Duncan. They were rolled up in 4 rather uneventful games. This Spring has been enlightening on multiple levels...let us count the ways...
The "Denver" Edition Of Len's 2nd Round Primer (Horribly Late, In Other Words)
What? Thought the second round would get underway without yours truly throwing his three bucks in?
Alright, a few quick things I took from the first round...
A) I like what the future holds for Oklahoma City. I do. I don't see this as a teaser, a one year bit where we're enticed with what's to come before they're back to Lotteryville next season. Kevin Durant is a perennial MVP candidate and he has a solid cast around him, that you figure Sam Presti will continue to build on. I gave them 6 because I felt they were young enough to get 2 from them (which they did) but in the end, the champs are just that for a reason. In the later rounds, they knew how to will their way through and that's exactly what they did.
B) I'm not sure who lit what fire underneath Orlando in that first round, but yeesh. Perhaps the Bobcats drew the single shortest straw they could've drawn in that first round. Perhaps if Larry Brown played Chandler more...no, wait. Dwight stayed in foul trouble, so that wouldn't have mattered anyway. Okay, perhaps if Jameer Nelson didn't have an out of body experience, it could've been a series. Either way you slice it, the Magic showed you why I see them winning the East for a second straight year. They are that deep and they are that angry over last year. Hell, they're probably angry over the fact folks are STILL looking past them to yet another L.A./Cleveland Finale.
"What are you screaming for? I haven't even cut you yet."
Since we're about two weeks out from the single most anticipated remake in the history of ever (IMO), I figured I'd kickstart my look out West with a quote from A Nightmare On Elm Street. Now yes, I get that Denver/Utah got started last night and as I type, Da Champs and those young Thundercats are going at it in Los Angeles. Still doesn't mean I can't give you my take on how this, arguably the toughest conference in all of sports (49 win teams need not apply here) could conceivably give us our first champion of the new decade.
Sports fans with an attitude, SportsBastards is a humorous take on the life-or-death struggle that is sports. It doesn't matter who wins or loses, but if they cover the spread.
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