Sports Bastards

Delicious Shaved Ice, Or The Zamboni Razor

Sat, 10 May 2008 13:53:00 -0400

Okay, so nobody's going around after the Zamboni, picking up the ice shavings and making a delicious Slushie, Slurpee, or Hawaiian Shaved Ice with the remainders (though maybe they could start selling 'Zamboni Shavings' at the concession stand?), but there's one thing even people who don't like hockey love. The Zamboni machine. There's just something about driving a lawnmower around on the ice that looks like a blast to everyone.

How a Zamboni works is... well, basically it's a floor buffer/scraper designed to smooth out the ice between periods of a hockey game. It sprays down a fresh layer of ice and squeegees it flat, while scraping out the roughness with a different blade. So really, with today's modern razors, there's not much difference what with the lubricating strip, the hair lifting, the multiple blades, and the quest for perfect smoothness. That's why these promotions are brilliant!

shaved ice

Really, I don't see why this isn't at every NHL game, because it's really that cool. It actually makes me want to seriously consider shaving more than once every two weeks when I get tired of looking like a homeless Grizzly Adams.

Someone give this man a damn retirement party

Mon, 5 May 2008 01:41:07 -0400

Apparently no one seems to have noticed, but Julio Franco retired yesterday after a 23-year career in baseball.

How this news hasn't even registered as a blip on the MLB radar boggles my mind. In this day and age when so many athletes who "retire" get a send-off of obscene proportions (only to unretire less than a year later), the end of a career that spans decades should get some kind of an honorable mention, yet no one seems to give a damn. No, Julio Franco was not a superstar, but the fact that he was still playing effectively after over 20 years should be worth something. There are major league players who weren't even BORN when the man started his career. He holds the record for being the oldest ballplayer in the major leagues to hit a home run, which he achieved at the age of 48. How many 48-year-old men do you see still hitting home runs these days? Hell, how many 48-year-old men are still playing baseball, period?

His final stats: .298 average, 2,586 hits and 173 home runs in 23 seasons in the majors with eight teams. All of it steroid-free, too--that alone should earn him a year-long party.

Cal Ripken can get put on a pedestal for playing a lot of baseball games in a row. Barry Bonds can get a paper crown on his ginormous head for hitting a bunch of home runs. How come Julio Franco can play baseball and play it well for 23 years and no one seems to feel it's worth even mentioning?

Somebody had better be coming up with a Julio Franco Day pretty damn soon, that's all I can say.

A Derby of mixed emotions

Sun, 4 May 2008 02:18:58 -0400

It should have been a glorious day in Louisville; a big boy named Big Brown won the 134th Kentucky Derby, overcoming a poor starting position and running away with the victory.

Unfortunately, it was the story of the big girl who finished behind him that overshadowed his special day. Eight Belles collapsed and had to be euthanized just after running a spectacular race of her own and placing second. She had broken both her front ankles. A horse might survive one broken ankle, even a front ankle, but it needs to have one good front ankle to balance on in order to stand. With both front ankles impaired, there was no choice but to put the filly out of her misery.

The loss of any horse during a race is tragic. To see a horse who had just run her heart out to a spectacular finish at one of the most prestigious races in the world go down and have to be euthanized is especially so. Her runner-up finish most likely would have made her a serious contender for the Preakness, and the thought of a rematch between her and Big Brown would have generated some good hype for the event. For me, it brought back way too many bad memories of the tragic end of the great filly Ruffian, who also gave her all to win and paid the ultimate price for it. It will be hard to watch the rest of the Triple Crown this year without thinking of what might have been.

Random Thoughts On The Playoffs...To This Point.

Sat, 26 Apr 2008 07:40:22 -0400

You ever look at a series and wonder to yourself, 'is an owner deliberately setting his team up for failure because of stuff like this'? Take Spurs/Suns for instance. On paper, this really should've been a great series. One that you look at and say, 'yeah, we need to strap in because it's going to be 6, maybe 7 games'. But after watching the last three games unfold, specifically last night, I come to one conclusion. It's over. Over for Phoenix and if you buy into the rumors circulating for Mike D'Antoni...it's over for him too. Yet again, his team's knocked out at the hands of the Spurs. Yes, I will say they're knocked out again by the Spurs. It's amazing how three games have me at ease about my preseason pick to do it again. In this series, you see how lack of preparation has the Suns on the eve of either being swept out or just flailing about long enough before the bad guy puts them out of their misery for a long, LONG Spring. I know a Suns fan and even though I haven't talked with her about this, I know she really isn't happy right now. Truth be told, she shouldn't be. Neither should any Suns fan, because the person to blame isn't Tony Parker, who's carving this team up the way Freddy carved up kids on Elm Street. It's not Gregg Belichick either, who's basically coaching this thing blindfolded and still having everything come up aces. The man to blame...

Is your owner, Robert Sarver. Yes, him. He who's too afraid to pay the luxury tax (like that would stop James Dolan from doing something stupid), has handcuffed your team so that it'll go but so far, but get basically run down by a team like this Spurs unit. Sarver's banking on the fact that Nash can lead this team back to the Promised Land for the first time since Sir Charles in 1993, but the problem is...with no draft picks coming down the pike anytime soon and a coach that's all but adopted the Riley mantra as his own (play nobody past the 8th man on the bench all year long), it's curtains. There's a guy towards the end of that bench that if nothing else, can just run around the floor and shadow Parker all day. His name? D.J. Strawberry, you've probably heard of his daddy, Darryl. But again, Riley Mantra dictates if he's not within arm's length of the coach, he don't play. Oh yeah, if you're a rookie, forget about playing time too. Still, aside from him the Suns did draft a guard that would've been PERFECT for just this type of PG matchup. Name's Rondo. Rajon. Rondo. Yeah, that kid up in Boston playing like he's back in Lexington all over again? Suns drafted him a few years ago and sent him packing, because once again, the owner didn't want to pay for the guy. Owners have to be a fan's second least liked individual aside from the other team's player that lives to kill your favorite team year in and year out. Kurt Thomas was sent to the Sonics for uh...I wanna say a bag of beans, but I'm fairly certain the cost would cause Peso Pinchin' Sarver to have a spastic fit. So even that was denied. Still, it's reaching a point with the Suns where you have to really start looking forward to the lottery (which even then, might not be something to look forward to given how this guy has done everything short of package the ball boy to Memphis for money), because it remains clear that this team will not do anything of real consequence as long as Sarver's at the helm. But enough about them, some quick capsules on the other series going on...

Detroit/Philly- Well, good thing I didn't put any money on that 5 and out thing for Detroit. But once again, this team which let an inferior Cleveland team run it out of town on a monorail, appears to be doing it again. Ya know, say what you will for Larry Brown as a coach, but he made damn sure his teams didn't drag their feet in series like this. By all respects and what not to the Sixers as a unit, they shouldn't be in this series. It should be 2-1 the other way, not 'we're on the verge of going back to Detroit with them in a potential closeout situation'. If you want a series that illustrates the importance of coaching, I give you Exhibit A right here. Flip Saunders is proof positive that sometimes, just sticking any ole body in a situation doesn't guarantee results are gonna be great as they were.

Which is a shame too, because Detroit's in the same group as Phoenix. A core nucleus that is getting much older and the window of opportunity is growing closer to being shut once and for all. Joe Dumars will continue to make sure this team stays competitive, but if I'm him, I'd reach out to Larry and see if he feels like doing it just one more time with the Pistons. Seriously.

NO/Dallas- So much for my hope that Dallas would be swept. Yet another series where coaching is most likely going to be the deciding factor. Slackhouse's comments about Byron Scott had me flat out rolling yesterday. I mean, him insinuating that the only reason Byron's got rings was due to the cast around him has 'Deshawn Stevenson Foot In Mouth' label slapped all over it. Get this, Slack, you're talking about Byron as if he were the 12th guy on the bench waving a towel while Showtime ran wild in the 80s. Newsflash dumbass, Byron started for those teams and did more than his fair share in contributing to those title wins. So even though he doesn't need me to answer for him, I'm going to do so by going Patrick Roy on him...

Byron: I can't hear Slackhouse as a result of these championship rings plugging my ears.

Have fun fishin' again this early, Slack.

Utah/Houston- Just when you think you've got a non-achiever dead to rights for the umpteenth year in a row, they turn around and win a game on the road they're not supposed to win. T-Wack, against all odds and fans, managed to lead the Rockets to a shocking win on Thursday night in Utah. Now, they're only a game away from making this a best 2 out of 3 series. Which is a big problem considering they've got homecourt and have yet to win ON IT. The Rockets are yet another team that are outmatched from a talent perspective, but given the success Adelman has against Sloan throughout his career in the postseason, they're in it and it wouldn't shock me if this did indeed go 7.

Cleveland/Washington- Remember how I'm so damn critical of LeBron? How I think he gets way too much for doing way too little when it counts? Refer to Game 3 and thank me for trying to warn all of you in advance. Never in NBA history has a team lost a playoff game by 30, then come back to WIN by 30. Know why it hasn't happened until Thursday night? Because more often than not, a team that loses by 30 is so thoroughly humiliated and demoralized, it's all but a done deal. But leave it to a Cleveland team, to defy all logic in doing just that. I'm going to say this now and say it proud...with or without Agent Zero...the Wizards will win this series.

Oh and if you're a Cavalier fan and they figure out a way to lose this series after taking the first two in Cleveland, especially after that 30 plus point whitewash in Game 2, nobody will hold it against you if you took a really long walk off a short bridge. Really. People forget, the Wizards have played most of this season without Agent Zero and have managed to get along just fine without him. This is NOT the glorified practice squad the Cavs sauteed into oblivion a year ago. Conversely, as evident by their "performance and absolute lack thereof' Thursday night, this is not the same Cavs team. Now is when you see what that trade did to this team. You do NOT tinker with a team that came that close to winning it all. It hasn't been done and until this year, you see why it doesn't happen often. To remove two key starters from that unit, for one broken down piece and a couple of question marks who aren't used to playing in this type of setting...it's a gamble you'll lose more often than not. (Just don't tell that to any Cavalier fan, they'll think you're hating on their team.)

Toronto/Orlando- Now ya see why having most of this series put on NBA TV was a bad idea? This might just be the best first round series in the East that doesn't have a James in it. The Raptors are a quiet good team, that's more or less an afterthought as a result of their location and nothing more. Sam Mitchell's a pretty good coach and that international team that's posing as an NBA unit, can play. SVG's no playoff novist, but he had best figure out what's up in a hurry. Last thing he wants is to have a team that played his boys very close at home going back to Orlando with a chance to come back North ready to advance to the second round.

Boston/Atlanta- Let me just go ahead and throw this up here now, because it's real simple. Hawks, we thank you for your participation in this year's playoffs as an 8th seed. We have some lovely parting gifts for you and your players, including a customary 'bandwagon extension pack' that's great for all the fans you're gonna have hopping on the bandwagon even after you're put out in horrible fashion. Also, you and your fans will win the distinction of being able to hold your heads high when you walk down the street. Why? Because for the first time in 9 years, you've played playoff basketball. And so what if you were umpteen games below .500 and a much more deserving team in Golden State should be where you are? You played crappy in a crappy conference and got the breaks that GSW didn't make for itself. Screw em'.

If they couldn't win 2 more games than they lost, oh well. Stand tall and be proud...oh, by the by, you're still most likely to be swept out of the remaining playoff teams. Sorry.

LA/Denver- I'm losing faith in Carmelo's ability to seriously lead a team by the second. His off court shenanigans not withstanding, something just doesn't add up here. It just doesn't. This should be a 1-1 series going to Denver. Instead, Denver's playing today to keep its slim hopes of winning this series alive. Because let me break something down to all of you regarding the playoffs and 2-0 holes. Game 3's the most important game in the series that's not 7 or whatever series clincher you play. Winning Game 3 enables you to go out and have fun for Game 4. When you go into Game 4 facing a "must win", you're basically in that mode for FOUR STRAIGHT GAMES. More often than not, even if you win that series (which historically, hasn't happened to date even though a small handful have stretched 3-0 to 3-3)...don't expect to keep it going for yet another series.

The Lakers know what it is this time of the year and know for the past few years in a row since Shaq left, they've been fishin' after the first round. I'm inclined to believe this won't happen this year. Kobe's not letting it happen and Gasol looks more at ease now that he's not being asked to carry the 'franchise' load he had to in Memphis.

Anyway, I'm back to sleep folks. Got a ton of television watchin' to get ready for.

Lenstradamus On The Playoffs (2.2/2)

Sat, 19 Apr 2008 13:14:34 -0400

Okay, time for the main event. Playoffs. 16 teams (debate to your heart's contempt the fact that there's a team 14 games over the Mendoza Line sitting at home watching right now) and one big gold trophy to the winner. I'll start with the Least first, since well, it's requiring a lot less thought for me to rush through and pick winners.

Boston/Atlanta
- Where Deja Vu Happens. Alright, for those of you who aren't aware of this, or forgot, Atlanta has a basketball team. Yes, it's true. Now granted they haven't played a game into late April since 1999 give or take, but still, they are here by the grace of mediocrity and the fact that simply put... the Eastern Conference is NOT good. Normally, people will try and convince you of why each team has a chance to win each series. Honestly, Dominique Wilkins could have me at gunpoint and I just can't come up with any ways feasibly possible the Hawks win this series. I can't. Even if the Boston Three Party were to sit out this series, Games 1 to 7, Boston's remainder can still walk by Atlanta.

I know they don't technically have "byes" in the NBA, but this is as close to a bye as you'll ever see a team get. Oh and the 'Deja Vu' part of this comes from this stat. Back in the 80s, these two teams met back when the Eastern Conference was really a conference and the Hawks had a team that people outside of Georgia cared about. The Human Highlight Reel and Larry Legend would meet generally in the second round and despite some hellacious games by the Reel, it'd be shorted out by Larry and his crew.

Cleveland/Washington II
- Where Payback Happens. I'm calling this Round 2 because last year was ridiculous. There was no Arenas, no nothing for Washington. How Cleveland didn't just get a pass into the second round last year, defies logic. So having Rocky V'd last year's scrimmage, this is the epic rematch between Agent Zero and the most overhyped SOB in sports today...LBJ. Prince James against the man with the best damn blog on the internet (mine being second :P). I know there's probably not a single person around these parts that will bet against Cleveland losing this and I know practically every so called expert has all but booked Boston/Cleveland for the second round, but don't do it. Remember when Arenas went down how bad the Wizards were supposed to be? How their season was supposed to be dead to rights? Or how the acquisition of Ben Lemon was supposed to make the Cavs so much better? Well...Washington managed just fine in spite of Agent Zero's absence and in some regards, got better as a team without him. Ben Lemon on the other hand, managed to make little to no difference whatsoever even when everyone got healthy, as most around here boldly and foolishly believed.

The last time these two teams met up, it went 6 games. I'm calling 7 this time. Agent Zero doesn't let Prince James psych him out and they exact a most fitting revenge on the Have Nots. Cleveland fans that have an IQ over 100 start the running countdown until LeBron files his first ever change of address card. :-) I laugh at their misery.

Orlando/Toronto
- Where Networks Caring To The Sum Of Zero Happens. I want people to consider this for a brief second. On paper, I think this might actually be the best series that doesn't have a LBJ, KG or Sheed in it. We're gonna get one of the best bigs matchups in quite some time between C-Bosh and D-Dunk (new name for Dwight Howard, for making me care about the Slam Dunk contest for the first time in years). Yet, the majority of this series with Game 6 being a question mark...will be on NBA TV. Want a good gauge to measure how important a series is or how most perceive it will be, look at how many games will be on NBA TV and you'll have your answer. The majority of this series will be broadcast on NBA TV, meaning if you don't have satellite, you're out of luck.

What's truly sad about this is, I really like this series. Toronto's got a quietly good team and Orlando for most of the year was really good. Bosh/Howard's going to be great to watch and although Toronto's really good (frightening if they get hot), I can't see the Magic losing this series. Magic in 6...no, make it 7 damnit. I want to see the final one on TNT. :-)

Detroit/Philadelphia
- Where Redemption Beginning Anew Happens...for the Pistons. As good as it is that Mo Cheeks has gotten this team to the playoffs for the first time since A.I. was sent packing, it's running into the giant that I really believe when on, won't be beaten this Spring. Not by the Celts, not by anyone. The problem with the Pistons, is that they're linked in with their mercurial best player, Rasheed Wallace. Last year's Conference Championship exposed their one tragic flaw, being as Rasheed goes, so do the Pistons. As long as Rasheed is interested and playing like he gives a crap, they're tough to beat.

So if you're a Pistons fan, hope this series ends quickly. Hope it's brutal and hope there's enough time for Sheed to rest before the Conference Semis begins. Because it's gonna be a long haul to get back to the Promised Land. Pistons in 5.

Alright, now considering that the West is significantly deeper than JV, I'm doing a totally different spin here. Rather than each series, I'm gonna break down why each TEAM has a shot to win it all because for the first time in recent memory...every team does. Seriously.

Alright, now considering that the West is significantly deeper than JV, I'm doing a totally different spin here. Rather than each series, I'm gonna break down why each TEAM has a shot to win it all because for the first time in recent memory...every team does. Seriously.

Los Angeles Lakers
- Where Redemption For Kobe Happens. Kobe hasn't seen a ring in close to five years. Ever since The Big Trophy aka Shaq left, he hasn't seen one since. Come to think of it, he hasn't left the first round since. This year, amidst a heavy cloud of trade rumors and the like, it looks like Kupchak and Buss were listening. In February, they basically convinced the Grizzlows to part with Pau for a few nothings. All was great until...Bynum went down. Now, their hope for a ring rests on believe it or not, Andrew Bynum coming back healthy. And before anyone says it, if he's not 100%, they win zip. Just about every team with few exceptions in between have a post presence and can pound the Lakers down low inside, their first round opponents included.

Kobe doesn't get another ring THIS YEAR if Bynum's not back to his old self from earlier in the year. Note, I said 'this year'. Next year, they're definitely the pre-eminent favorites in my book even in spite of whomever might win it.

New Orleans Hornets
- Where Happy Endings Happen. For the city, a title for New Orleans would be bigger than the Giants winning the Super Bowl in February, even the Sawks winning another title this year. For Byron Scott, the man who was run out of New Jersey could definitely validate the success he had there by winning one this year. Oh and for CP3, it would only serve to put every Hawks fan (all 5 of them) on suicide watch and ensure Billy Knight has armed guards by his side 24/7 for passing on the guy who got the Hornets a title.

For those of you wondering why I'm so high on this team, here's what you do. Go back to the two teams that New Jersey had when they went to the Finals and then take a good look at this team. Notice the similarities and then notice the two things that really stick out. A good coach, a great point guard. Their bench isn't bad and honestly, the whole inexperience thing that will be played up to the nth degree actually helps. They're not supposed to know how big this is and as a result, they will go out and have fun. Something the Warriors did a year ago against the same team they have this year and yeah, I'm predicting the same result.

San Antonio Spurs
- Where Repeat Performances Happen. Every year that the Spurs have tried to repeat, they've been stopped cold. I picked this team to repeat earlier in the season and right now, I'm shaking like a fiend on withdrawal about it. I didn't forsee the Lakers getting Gasol, the Suns getting Shaq or the Hornets evolving into mutoids killing anything that moves. While others panicked about the Spurs in the earlier part of this year, I didn't because I knew what everyone else forgot. This is the time of the year that they work towards. You don't win rings in November, December & January. You win them in April, May and June. With virtually the core intact and Manu being better than expected this year, it's really, really hard not to bet against the Spurs doing it again.

It really is, even without homecourt after the first round save for IF the Hornets and Lakers are both ousted.

Utah Jazz
- Where Quietly Scaring People Happens. Honestly, I don't know if there's a quieter pretender in this or any other sport that does what Utah has done and nobody knows a thing about them. I'm in full agreement with the Sports Guy about the spirits of Malone and Stockton inhabiting the bodies of D-Dub (Deron Williams) and C-Booze (screw Cleveland Carlos, you did the right thing holmes!). Of all the teams that could win it all, this is hands down the most unassuming contender of the bunch. Their team is good from top to bottom and all told, a run back to the conference finals isn't totally out of the question in my mind. I think they can matchup rather nicely with either the Lakers or Nuggets and beat either.

The combination of Boozer and D-Money are about as lethal a PG/PF combo as you'll find. In all honesty, the productivity of Booze combined with how good D-Money is just puts them over CP3/D-West. Not by much though.

Houston Rockets
- Where Reality Happens. Alright, I know everyone was all jacked over their record breaking winning streak and all, but it's time to come back to reality. I know that I said every team in the West has a chance to win it all, but the truth is...with Houston, three things do them in. There's the lack of Yao, the fact that T-Mac's not built for this time of the season and of course...Adelman's your head coach. If you're unclear what that means, go up to any Kings fan and ask them about 2002 when the Kings had the Lakers dead to rights and blew it. Ask any Blazers fan about those infamous Rip City teams that just couldn't get the job done in 1990 or 1992. Reality bites, Houston. Sorry.

Phoenix Suns
- Where Big Time Redemption Happens. Honestly, I don't have a clear cut favorite in these playoffs. But if I were to do a Top 10 list, with one being the most likely to win and 10 being the least, Phoenix would be Top 5. Whether people realize this or not, the move of Marion had to happen. Look, when you hit a ceiling with a certain unit as these Suns have, it's time to reshuffle the deck. Or in Poker when you keep getting the same hand and keep getting the same losing result each time, perhaps you need to trade in a card or two in hopes of getting that Ace or King that puts you over the top.

Props to Kerr for seeing this and making it happen. Cause say what you will about Shaq's playing habits of recent years and the like, fact is, when motivated...he wins rings. So yes, for four times in his career, (three in Hollywood & one in South Beach) he has been motivated. I think the combination of the following things...

- Having a great point guard for the first time in his career...
- Wanting to get this team to the Conference Finals where he could potentially see the team that sent him out of the West to begin with...
- Being around men who have NEVER seen what Shaq has (S.T.A.T., Big Stevie Cool & Grant), will be playing their hearts out to get one.

Are why the Suns are increidbly dangerous this Spring. Stoudemire playing his natural position makes him very dangerous and Shaq's presence will ensure the Suns don't get muscled like they did a year ago.

Dallas Mavericks
- Where Karmic Payback Happens. Okay, I see two teams that won't go anywhere. Ironically, both are from Texas. The Mavs had a fairly high ceiling they hit in 2006 and then were dropped under last year. Ever see a team's ceiling for potential growth shrink in the span of two years? I know everyone's gonna fawn over these guys just cause they're the Mavs, but I'm sorry, I'm not sold. Their one big "grab" will hurt them more than help them. He can't shoot, he can't defend and simply put, he's just not that good anymore. Aside from that, Dirk's already proven that as a '#1" he plays like a #2. When you go from being a half quarter away from being up 3-Summer (as in you'll be enjoying your Summer break real soon) two years ago to not being able to keep your team from being just the third #1 in recent memory to get bounced out of the first round...there's something really wrong.

Sorry Cubes, well not really, Coach Killin' Kidd ain't the answer. Enjoy another first round exit.

Denver Nuggets
- Where Schizomania Happens. I don't think there's a bigger "if" team in the playoffs than the Nuggets. If Melo and A.I. play past their potential together and all goes as it should, they run to the Finals and become the first #8 to win it all. Carmelo one on one is virtually unguardable and I don't see anyone in the JV being able to run with Iverson. Then again, maybe this team shows why they weren't able to overtake Utah for the division crown and they become fodder for the Lake Show. I'm not sure which is which with these guys. All I do know is that these boys can upset the Lakers and they're more than capable of getting to the Finals. Lest we forget, George Karl has been there before with the Sonics and he took the Bucks a few years ago to within a few games of that point.

And The Winners Are...(NBA 2.1 of 2)

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 15:17:03 -0400

Alright, time for Part 2 of my NBA breakdown piece where I break down the playoffs only here's what I'm gonna do. Since no two conferences play the same (since the bottom half of the West recordwise would be the reason every team in the Least that's not Orlando, Boston or Detroit would be home...I'll do this), I'm doing two very unique breakdowns. In keeping with the NBA's "Where (blank) Happens" theme, I'm gonna run with it. In the Least, I'll give you a series like say for instance...the 1/8 matchup and something like...

Boston/Atlanta- Where Deja Vu Happens...

Before breaking down that series...or massacre. Out West, honestly, I think every team has a legitimate shot to win it all. Seriously, that's how stacked this conference is this year. I mean, if Denver rolls around mid-June and for the first time in their respective careers Iverson and Melo are holding that trophy, I will not be surprised. Okay, I will be, but not as much as say Atlanta playing a seventh game in Boston early next month. Get me? Good. Okay, before I do that, I need to get to my MVP and Coach Of The Year awards. For me, I don't do it the way the NBA does it. Giving it to the best guy on the best team, just cause. (See Nowitzki, Dirk last year ahead of Nash, Steve) Coach Of The Year, same bit. I base it off of, if I take Player/Coach A and put them on this team, subbing in an average Player/Coach in his place, does this team still run the way it did this year? For Coach of the Year, the following folks deserve your applause...

Doc Rivers, Boston
Byron Scott, New Orleans
Stan Van Gundy, Orlando
Rick Adelman, Houston

Envelope please? (Gets envelope from lovely Grimey assistant with the double Ds and the blonde locks.) Ladies and gentlemen...your Grimey Coach of the Year is...

Doc Rivers. What? But you said Byron deserved it in your previous columns! I know and he does, but after reading the Sports Guy's column, something hit me. Until this year, Doc hasn't done or been much as a coach. Hell, coming into this year before being handed KG by McHale and getting Ray Ray, I had even money on Doc being fired before the year ended. Now, it's even money that in June, millions of people will be second guessing themselves for doubting his ability to coach. Okay, I get he has the Boston Three Party. But think about this people, before Opening Tip, what else did they have there? Nothing. Doc coached the other 9 on that team to play well above what the name on the back of their jersey said. Byron to a lesser extent, validated why J-Clown was a moron for running him out of Jersey. He had virutally the same chemical makeup of the two teams he guided to the Finals earlier this decade, only with a better 4 in West and a much, much, MUCH better PG in CP3. More on them later.
Now...for MVP. I base MVP on this premise and very little else. It's not about being the best player on the best team, because that "best team" can do without you and still be pretty good. More or less, it's all the intangibles I factor into the mix that get ignored. And even though LBJ played out of his mind this season, he won't be on the final cut. If you're not able to get your team anywhere ABOVE 4th place in a JV caliber conference, you're not an MVP to me. You're just a really good player on a fairly good team in a sucky conference. Now, for my list which is kinda obvious all told...

Chris Paul, NO aka CP3
Kobe Bryant, LAL aka Kobe Bauer (I don't think I ever explained why he has the last name Bauer. I based it off of obviously, Jack Bauer of 24. I forget which season, probably the last I actually watched, but when he bit someone's neck out to escape a situation...on top of all the other kick assery things he does, I had to give him that moniker.)

That's it. Just two. KG just BARELY misses the cut for this reason. MVPs have to be that guy who can win you a game with the game and your season on the line. KG, to me in any event, just doesn't have this in him. Maybe he proves me wrong, but to this point in his career in spite of the lights out year Boston had...he doesn't make this list. These two guys, to me, are going to be the reason their teams are actively contending for a title instead of PRETENDING. I had a lot to think about here, watching them both during the year and I'm going to go out on a fairly sturdy limb and say if Kobe doesn't win his first NBA MVP this year, he'll probably share it with KG. Which of and within itself is doing an injustice to the man I'm giving this thing to...

Chris Paul. Why Paul? Well, consider this. A) He's playing in a town that was ravaged by a natural disaster a few years ago and a President that got help there too little, way too late. As a result of a town that's forced to rebuild from the ground up, I think you could've given away tickets to games this year and still not gotten a full house. B) Did I mention he's playing in the toughest conference on the planet? No? How about the toughest division? No? Oh. Well, I just did, you should pay attention. Still, I'm giving this to Paul over Kobe because MVPs don't cry, bitch and moan about the teammates they have. They go out and play with them, through thick and thin. Hence why I didn't even bother mentioning LBJ's name. LeBron's walked out on his team and all told, as much as I can empathize with his frustration and all, no Grimey MVP walks on his team. Nor does a Grimey MVP speak ill of his mates in the media.

I hate that I didn't get to see more of NO this year, but thankfully, I will this April and May because I truly believe Chris Paul will snatch the reigns of 'Best PG Ever' away from Magic before it's all said and done. I'd go as far as to say he's the second best behind Nash and that has me really hoping for a second round NO/PHO matchup so we can see these two go head up. Still, I look at Paul's situation inside and out this year and can't help but marvel at how well he handled himself and this team. Sure, people will swoon over KG reenergizing a once thought to be dead franchise. That's swell, but Paul did something bigger to me. He got a city that had next to no hope, a reason to have some about one of their franchises. Yeah, the Saints had a rather spirited run to the NFC title game two years ago and then crash landed back to reality a year ago. These Hornets are here to stay in my mind. Byron Scott has proved he can coach and here's the single biggest reason I think Paul's most deserving of this award...

You take any PG off of any team, anyone and I don't see the Hornets doing what they did this year. Not Nash, not Parker, not J-Clown could've gotten NO to 56 wins and a division crown. Come to think of it, I don't think the Hornets even won a division crown in Charlotte. Ever.

Alright, this ran kinda long so I'm gonna split this up yet again.

What Was Len Grimey's NBA Wrap Up...Wasn't It?(1 of 2)

Tue, 15 Apr 2008 18:49:57 -0400

Alright, season's over. I know there's two games left for most teams...but we've got our 16...err, 14 playoff teams. I'm not counting those last two teams in the East who have lottery records and are posing as playoff teams. Golden State and Portland are not amused by the fact you're printing playoff tickets while they prepare to send someone to Secaucus to count ping pong balls next month. Thankfully, given how crappy the East is, I won't have to waste too much breath breaking down their side of the bracket. We know short of the Boston Three Party being abducted in a real life sequel of Celtic Pride, the Celts aren't losing to the Hawks. If they do, the real Big Three will roll over in graves that they aren't even in yet. But anyway, I'm going to do a two part deal. First part just wraps up what was this year and wasn't, the second part isolates the pretenders from the real contenders.

What was...the Hornets. I know everyone's inclined to go the other way for the top story this year, but for me, this is it. No, I'm not going to play the 'Hurricane Katrina, let's feel sorry for them' bit, because that's overplayed. With as minute a 'home court advantage' as one could have this year and being in hands down the toughest division in the Western Conference (maybe the NBA period), the Hornets were a lot like the survivors of Katrina. Left for dead by EVERYONE in the preseason. Presumed afterthoughts, lottery team, you name it.

CP3 was not amused by your snide. Neither was Byron Scott, whom lest we forget, guided two Nets teams that weren't overly talented to the NBA Finals. Byron has my vote for Coach of the Year, even if the Hornets aren't able to lock up homecourt through the West Finals. I'm split on MVP between CP3 & Kobe Bauer. Chris Paul is making more Atlanta fans sick than Billy Knight or Joe Torre (man responsible for most of Atlanta's latter World Series woes, by way of him going to the N.O. instead of the ATL. Now, with what I'm calling the P Dubya Cee Clique or Paul, West & Chandler...Byron has these boys thinking title. And guess what? Even though I picked the Spurs to repeat, I think they're the biggest threat to San Antonio's repeat prospects outside of Phoenix.

What wasn't...the Cavaliers. They are NOT who everyone thinks they are. Oh and for those of you who have them penciled in facing Boston in the second round, Agent Zero wants all of you to turn your pencils in now. He's healthy this year. As the Giants proved against the Cowboys albeit in a much different context and I believe the Wizards will prove this time out, it's tough beating the same team three straight times in the postseason. Last year, the Cavs benefitted from having to play the Wizards' practice squad. This year, that practice squad has gotten significantly better. And as I said before, Agent Zero is back and I don't think he has forgotten about two years ago, whne LeBron talked him home for the summer. The Cavs' attempt to repeat as conference champions will be thwarted and their "gamble" to sacrifice two vital cogs from last season's runner-up will be bust.

Ben Wallace is nothing more than a big name on a trade and nothing more. They will quickly see why Chicago was so quick to give him up after a year and a half. Chicago, with a new head coach next year will probably be better off with Gooden in their offense along with Hughes. LeBron, MVP pretender that he is, will more than likely be ousted from the first round for the first time in his career and see this is not the place for him. He'll be gone when his contract ends and you heard it here first, whether he ends up in Brooklyn or not...he's going to go nuclear where ever he lands.

Nuclear? What do you mean? Take what he's doing now in Cleveland, add it up with what most think he SHOULD be doing and then multiply it by like a thousand. Got a figure? Good. Take it and trash it, cause that's not even close to what he's going to end up doing when it's all said and done. I believe before Kobe retires, we're eventually going to end up getting Kobe Bauer versus LBJ in the postseason. But LeBron won't win in Cleveland. It's fact, people. Nobody ever "wins" in Cleveland. Every major "urban legend" you can affiliate with Cleveland didn't "win" until they left. Bernie Kosar didn't get his first ring until he went to Dallas as Troy's understudy. Earnest Byner didn't get his first ring until he went to Washington a few years later. No famous Cavaliers to speak of come to my mind as far as this goes, but LeBron will be the first. Hell, Man-Ram didn't get his first ring until he went to Boston. Think about that for a second while I rest my case.

What was...the merciful end for Donnie Walsh in Indiana. What has quietly gone unnoticed as one of the more tragic collapses of a franchise that for the better part of the past ten years has been a preeminent contender, was all but solidified by Donnie Walsh leaving his post to Larry Legend as he goes...

What wasn't...a "lateral" move for Donnie Walsh. I've heard of "from bad to worse", but this is like way past ridiculous. He leaves Indiana to come to...New York?! Are you serious? Who's his dealer? What coke was he snorting when someone convinced him this was an actual great idea? This defies logic, reason, everything you can think of. Seriously. Oh and while I'm at it...those of you who think this means the end of Isiah Thomas (here's one of those cases where like with the Giants in SBXLII, I'm right for being wrong...)...think again. I think this is Dolan trying to "lighten the load" for Isiah to focus on coaching. Remember people, it's hard work trying to dismantle a franchise while coaching it down to its worst mark in franchise history. I mean, when David Stern is putting your franchise on blast publically...you have issues.

What wasn't...Kobe being traded making Mitch Kupchak and Jerry Buss the worst executives in sports history. Seriously, to trade away two of the top 20 players of all time at their respective positions within 5 years of each other, you've earned this spot.

What was...Kobe not playing out his prime for a perennial loser thanks to Jerry Buss and Mitch Kupchak. Bill Simmons aka The Sports Guy writes a column every so often which he calls the Atrocious GM Summit. Basically a mock assembly of the worst GMs in their respective sport sitting down and talking about the horrendous moves they've made. Kupchak was at the last one. Me thinks by virtue of him pulling off one of the biggest robberies in recorded history short of the Indians giving away Manhattan for next to nothing and the Vikes giving away three Super Bowl rings for rundown Herschel Walker...he's not gonna be able to make this next one.

Another side note of this is Kupchak's justification of him NOT dealing Bynum to the Nets. I got this a year ago and here's why. Whether most of you are getting this or not, seven footers who play the center position are incredibly rare to find these days. So if you're one of the fortunate ones to get one, short of being held up at gunpoint...you don't let them go. Bynum has become what a lot of people didn't think he'd be, a lot sooner than expected and here's a word to the wise for the Lakers. Don't rush him back. If it means you have to bite the bullet this postseason without him, then so be it. Let him take the summer, get better, get acclimated to playing with Pau Pau and Odom, then live to fight next season with Da Band back together.

What was...Mark Cuban officially going postal. Cubes, who up until this point in time, has done a rather splendid job building the Mavericks into a respectable contender. They were Finals runners up two seasons ago in the worst collapse in Finals history, then followed that up by having the worst collapse by any #1 seed this side of Seattle in 1994 or Miami in 1999. Although in Miami's defense, New York was probably the best #8 seed in NBA history. Last year's G-State team would be #2. Cubes decided to pull the trigger on a move that as ironic as it is, Devean George was in the right for stalling to begin with. Which leads me to...

What was ignored...Devean George. Devean's got a ring and he had what was sorely missed a few months ago. Hindsight. Devean knew aside from protecting his Bird Rights, he was doing the right thing by not signing off on the deal that would've put him and Devin Harris in New Jersey. Say what you will about the absurdity of Stack's bold proclamation about returning. George did everything short of run up to Cubes screaming, "for the love of almighty God DON'T BRING J-CLOWN HERE!!!"
because he knew that team as it was constructed, wasn't exactly THAT bad. I mean, they were Conference Champs two years ago and all told, last year they were simply outcoached and outmuscled. Dirk's inability to lead was rendered null and void, although his inability to have a backbone was exposed by a smaller, yet more physical G-State squad. So common sense would say, we need an enforcer type in here to instill some heart and balls to this team. What wasn't...ignoring conventional wisdom and getting a washed up J-Clown anyway. Cubes for some reason which to this day, remains unknown, got Jason Kidd from Jersey. As Bill Simmons said, this trade was about three years past the point of needing to be made. As I stated a while back, if you do a deal and it puts you in no better a position than you were in before you did it, you probably shouldn't do it. Dallas didn't need to do this deal. They get slower at the 1 and on top of that, they lose a potential scorer because J-Clown can't score to save his life. (Net fan, I know what I speak.) They don't have any quickness, because J-Clown can't run anymore and on top of that, he can't defend. There's not ONE playoff team out West that doesn't have a reasonably good if not great PG that Kidd can or will be able to keep up with. So what intangible does Kidd bring to the table? Leadership? He fucking quit on the Nets in December!!! How is that "leadership"? How is that "making those around him better"?

If there's a Basketball God up there, it'll be NO/Dallas in the first round and I'll be able to smile as Byron Scott and Chris Paul run J-Clown into the offseason. Byron can have his measure of payback on the man who unjustifiably ran him out of town after he won not one, but TWO FUCKING CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIPS!!! He got you to the Finals twice and you dare have the temerity to get him run?! Fuck you J-Clown! I'm glad you'll never see the Finals again you fucking twit.

Ahem. Sorry.

What was...tanking. Well, if karma has anything to say about it, we won't see Beasley and Wade playing together. Come to think of it, even if they do win it, maybe we still won't see those two play together...much.

What wasn't...the Celts' lack of depth. Wow. Who knew they could play, huh? I mean, everyone thought coming into this year it'd be The Boston Three Party carrying nine men back to the Finals for the first time since I was about 6 years old. Now...they've reincarnated the Boston Garden (God help the poor team that has to win a Game 7 there...seriously) and their depth makes them a very formidable draw no matter who plays them.

What was...Steve Kerr showing he has balls the size of watermelons. Vince McMahon has overdone the 'grapefruits' thing and even that is a backhanded insult unto itself. Watermelons are bigger than grapefruits. When Steve Kerr pulled the trigger bringing The Big Trophy to Phoenix for an unhappy Marion and who cares, he showed he has balls the size of watermelons. That unlike his other former benchwarmers turned execs, he wasn't content with just riding this thing to a usual conference semis exit. He wants to accomplish the one thing Jordan may never do as an executive...

Win a ring. I might be one of the few outside of the Phoenix area who sees the logic in this, but as we approach the playoffs, you're going to get this a lot clearly now. The Big Trophy (my new name for Shaq, since this guy has only lost TWICE in his career with the proverbial belt on the line) was brought here for this time of the year. You break out your big guns for the big fight and guess what? It's about go time. Phoenix's medical staff has worked wonders for previously thought to be walking wounded Steve Nash and Grant Hill. Newsflash kids, Grant played more than 90% of the year for the first time since his days as a Piston. They got cred. So scratch all that 'Shaq's health is suspect' crap. Shaq can't run and he's going to slow down the Suns. Ran just fine to me when I saw him in March. Know the biggest reason he was brought to Phoenix?

Think back to Game 3 of the Spurs/Suns series a year ago, when Horry body checked Nash into the boards in a 'you may have won the fight, but we're going to win the war' move that sealed the deal for the Spurs. Now, imagine Horry doing that this year with Shaq present. Or even still, him doing it a YEAR AGO with Shaq in a Sun jersey. Shaq's there to preserve Big Stevie Cool and make sure nobody fucks with the Platinum Canadian that is MV3. (I'm calling him the uncrowned MVP from a year ago, because Dirk was atrocious. Stern should be ashamed of himself for even giving that trophy to that Hasselhack fan.)

What was...charitable. Stephon making a low-cost sneaker line designed for families who can't afford the LeBrons and other pricey sneakers. I think he's rather low for his role in that "Truck Party" incident, but I give him much props for doing this.

What wasn't...Isiah being fired for a job misdone. Sorry Knick fans, until you clowns wisen up and stop buying season tickets, Dolan's going to continue thinking you're happy with the job he's doing. So if you want Isiah ruly and truly gone, here's what you do...stop going to the Garden. Don't go to the games, don't watch. The Knicks even with Donnie at the helm as team president won't go any farther than Isiah's misleadership will run them under. And as long as you continue shelling out the cash to sit courtside and boo, it's like the WWE with Cena who gets booed in spite of being the top good guy quote unquote in the company. Vince won't stop with putting him out there unless people stop coming to see him and buy his merchandise.

What wasn't...a repeat playoff appearance for the Warriors. To no fault of their own, okay, they didn't win when they had to like last night...the Warriors will finish at WORST 16 games over .500. They will finish as the best team in NBA history to not make the playoffs. Let me say that again, a team that could finish 16 games over the Mendoza Line will NOT make the playoffs. If they were in the Least, they'd be hosting the Cavaliers in the first round. Instead, they're gonna have to elect a guy to go to New Jersey as they're given barring a fluke occurence, the 14th pick in June's draft.

What was...mediocrity running wild. The Atlanta Hawks will make the playoffs as a sub .500 team. Actually, it's not the sub -500 part that gets me so much as...the Hawks are in the playoffs part. I mean, this is the team that didn't draft Roy, didn't draft Paul and has Billy Knight as a GM. Aside from Josh Smith, you'd be hard pressed to name four men off this team. The Hawks will make the playoffs...to paraphrase Charles Barkley...

Jon Koncak is rolling over in his grave right now. Mookie Blaylock, Steve Smith, Spud Webb are all rolling over in their graves right now.

*This concludes Side 1. Turn the tape over for Side 2...Thursday.*

Curses, foiled again

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 13:22:20 -0400

To be filed under "Just how stupid Red Sox fans can be": a construction worker buried a David Ortiz jersey under the new Yankee Stadium in the hopes of putting a curse on the Yankees.

What's potentially sadder is that Yankees management actually had the damn thing dug up once they found out about it. In some ways, I can see a minute amount of logic in that decision, since the last thing anyone needs is to give Sux fans something they can cling to on days when Manny's being Manny in a bad way, Josh Beckett's clutching at his back and Julian Tavares is warming up in the bullpen. Then again, why spend the money to give any kind of credence to a numbnut Sux fan's superstitious lunacy? If anything, it appears to have backfired on him; Big Papi's only batting .070 so far. I would have left the shirt there at least until Ortiz's BA went over .200.

They're considering pressing charges against Gino Castignoli, the moron responsible. I'd simply hand him the bill for the shirt removal--and have him SuperGlued to one of the nosebleed seats in the new Yankee Stadium. That apparently would be punishment enough.

Now we know why Fenway Park has remained in place for all these years; because the idiot Sux fans are terrified that if they build a new park, someone might bury a Babe Ruth shirt under it and they'll be doomed again for all time.

Yankees fans aren't that stupid...we wouldn't bury a SHIRT under their park. *evil grin*

One Shining Moment

Tue, 8 Apr 2008 00:41:02 -0400

Time to announce the results of the SB Yahoo Sports NCAA March Madness Tourney Pick 'Em 2008:

!. Team Jademyst (Jade): 97 pts.

2. Manhattan Project (Jaime): 81 pts.

3. Down here in da ATL bitches (Jesse): 75 pts.

4. The Kentubby Mildcats (Ron): 72 pts.

5. The Jersey Supremacy (Len): 71 pts.

Much as I would love to credit my win to superior college hoops savvy, the main reason I won is because almost everyone else picked UNC and UCLA to be in the finals. I had my train hitched to Memphis and ex-UMass coach John Calipari, who almost went the complete distance, but then remembered that Dickie V said they can't shoot free throws.

Fucking Kansas--who knew?

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 00:27:56 -0400

Happy St. Patrick's Day from SB, myself, Irish Mickey Ward, and the Dropkick Murphys. One of my favorite bands ever, and my favorite boxer ever. Two great tastes that taste great together! Enjoy, kids. Tomorrow, the official update on the SportsBastards March Madness pool will be posted. Until then, rock out, possibly with your cock out.