Greetings. I'd like to congratulate the U of M for making this college football year for me personally, that much more enjoyable. How's that you ask? Well, not withstanding the opening season win over the University of Morons(Fl.), my year was capped off with FIU pulling the Who's hoe card in the OB [as spoken by former Miami alum and currently unemployed moron, Lamar Thomas] this past Saturday. This past Saturday all but cemented with the sad little bow on top what the rest of the world outside of Miami has known for years, since the Ohio State/Miami Fiesta Bowl.
As I'm reading my new ESPN Magazine with DA BEARS! on the cover, I'm reading The Jump. I see something strange in there. Luther Campbell making sense. Don't believe me. Get your copy. I'm going to put this up word for word.
How I'd fix the Hurricanes By Luther Campbell, Rapper/Miami Fan
They need to give me Larry Coker's job. I'm sick of this. We've got five different running backs but nobody wants to be the guy. Our defense is fine but they're on the field too long. They're trying to protect and score points because the offense is terrible.
We used to walk around wearing swagger scarves. We used to hit people in the mouth. I'd bring the swagger back, but they don't want me near the team! Do they think I'm gonna tell the kids to shoot up a parking lot? The former players on the sideline are now busy networking, talking about stocks. Instead, I'd have Warren Sapp get in players faces after a bad play.
We've gone from National Champs to National Chumps because Coker allows the university board to order him around. I'd tell the administration, "I coach football. You run the school." Period.
They have no love for me, but I love Miami. When I die, I'll have a UM logo on my Casket. Put that in my will.
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What do you think? Make your own jokes in the comments.
Lamar Thomas fired after exceeding FCC dumbassery quota.
Lamar Thomas, better known as the douchebag color commentator in the Miami/FIU brawl video, has finally been fired by Comcast Sports Southeast (CSS), the network that hired him to do their games. This comes a good day and a half after the NCAA suspended 31 players for the brawl, which proves that the only institution slower and crappier than the NCAA is Comcast.
Of course, for those of you with Comcast, that's no surprise.
"Now, that's what I'm talking about," Ron, the head of the website SportsBastards.com said as the brawl raged out of control and Thomas' dumbassery overtook him. "You come onto my TV acting like that, you should get your behind fired. You don't come onto the TV saying that stuff. You're across the Southeast over there. You're across the nation. You can't come onto network TV talking noise like that. You'll get your butt fired. I was about to go down the interstate to get in that booth."
Hey, remember how I said Miami didn't have enough thugs?
So remember how I said Miami didn't have enough criminals? This fight is all the evidence that you should need to prove me right. I mean, this is prison-orange The U and Florida International University. In the olden days, they'd be dragging dead FIU players off the field for this shit, but now it's just a gay group-grope.
Miami doesn't even START the fight I mean sure, they're the first guys to use their helmets as weapons, but that's only after FIU hands them their collective ass in the legitimate fight portion of the scrum. Seriously, I think FIU's coach kicked more ass than Miami's players did, without the benefit of the finest animal growth hormone money can buy.
Sorry, Larry. I hate to say it, but you're out at the end of the year. Your players just weren't savage enough.
Edit 12:15AM: 31 total players suspended, 13 from the U and 18 from FIU. Like I said, this is a disgrace for Miami. They can't even get more players suspended than FIU!
I love the fact that because of Miami of Ohio, the University of Miami has to go by Miami (FL) on score tickers. There's just something about one of the largest football schools/prisons in the southern United States having to change its name in order not to be confused with a small-town college in Oxford, Ohio that thrills me to no end. Maybe it's democracy in action, or maybe it's just a rare comeuppance for The U.
The best part is they have to do this because you never know which Miami might be playing Bowling Green, Middle Tennessee State University, or Akron on a given week. Both rough up mediocre opposition in weaker conferences and both get clobbered by bigger and better programs, but that's about where the similarities stop between the two teams. I mean, the two teams could not be farther apart when it comes to their program status.
One team plays with class and dignity, and the other team plays in Florida.
Sports fans with an attitude, SportsBastards is a humorous take on the life-or-death struggle that is sports. It doesn't matter who wins or loses, but if they cover the spread.
